Hmm 031511

“Sorry, Dude. I thought cellphones floated.”
“That’s cellphone, not sailphone, you moron.”

Quotation MarksYou almost didn’t get a mid-week giggle this week, as I am awfully sick today, but I just imagine you all, at the office, slumped over your computers, wearing those little brain neurons down to their axons, and I just can’t leave you like that. So…here ‘tis. You might be a Luddite if… (Okay, if you’re wondering what a Luddite is, you might be a redneck, and I recommend you check out my Redneck Repairs post.) Now…on with the show. You might be a Luddite if…

  • Your phone makes those clicky touch-tone to rotary translation sounds when you dial a number
  • Your amplifier weighs more than your stack of CDs
  • You have a stack of CDs, and they are not for archiving purposes
  • Your music-generating device still has com-pon-ents, such as an amplifier
  • You use a hairdryer on your freezer, or actually know why someone might do so
  • You think a cellphone is what telemarketers must use (Hint: think homonym)
  • Your fancy-dancy refillable razor has an amazing two blades per cartridge
  • Your security alarm is a chihuahua on a chain, and tin cans stacked against your door
  • You are tickled that your vehicle has a push-lever that you can open to cool your feet, and it has that fancy doodad, the AM radio
  • You know that 331/3 is more than just a ratio, and you still use that speed
  • Your telephone is bigger than your hand, or your ear, for that matter
  • You write notes to yourself on ground-up, mulched, pureed, refined and pressed trees
  • Hot and cold water come out of separate spigots in your bathroom sink
  • You have clocks with hands that don’t hold anything
  • The only air conditioner you have is a box of baking soda and a fan
  • You figure that anyone who can lug your TV, which still has a tube and weighs approximately 75 pounds (like mine), out to their getaway car, has earned the right to keep it

I know I’m not the funniest inmate in the loony-bin, so I suspect many of you out there have better one-liners than mine. Don’t be stingy; share them with the rest of us!

—AdL

Written on June 15th, 2011 , Hmm..., Just for Fun
I Believe in Change

I Believe in Change

Quotation Marks…you never know when you’ll need to use the vending machine.
—AdL

Written on April 27th, 2011 , Hmm..., Just for Fun
Hmm 031511

“I need some fish scales.”

Quotation MarksAre you ready for some more weird animal facts, along with my annoying comments and asides? Okay…let’s get started.

  • In Norfolk, Virginia, it is unlawful for chickens to lay eggs before 8AM and after 4PM.

I’d love to know how they enforce that. I can just see these poor hens hopping from one foot to the other, legs crossed, eyes bulging, as they await the final countdown till 4:00.

Who won that that enviable assignment? Rocks, paper, scissors (do not miss this link!), anyone? And was it summer or winter? Wait a minute. Isn’t this place frozen? Did they melt everything and then refreeze it? I don’t want their electric bill.

  • A chicken with red earlobes will produce brown eggs, and a chicken with white earlobes will produce white eggs.

Chickens have earlobes?!?

  • In 1740, a cow was found guilty of sorcery by a French judge in an ecclesiastical court, and was later publicly hanged.

Still trying to figure out how they knew. Was she entrancing people? “I hate beef. I hate beef. Boeuf Bourguignon is bad. Chicken is an aphrodisiac. I love eels. Snails are yummy. Yeah, yeah, snails are yummy.” (?) Do you suppose they had roast beef and burgers for dinner afterward? Read the rest of this entry »

Written on April 14th, 2011 , Hmm..., Just for Fun
Vermilion Flycatcher Vagrancy in America

Has the economic downturn come to this?!

Quotation MarksMany economies around the world are struggling, and have been struggling for several years now, but I think the U.S. has hit an all-time low. Check out the website screenshot above—even our Vermilion Flycatchers are displaced and homeless; it can only be due to those egregious sub-prime mortgages. (Where are good ol’ Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae when you need them? (Oh…I forget, they are even worse culprits!))

My heart just breaks for these little guys when I picture them panhandling (panclawing?) on street corners, holding signs saying, “Will work for grasshoppers” (Beware, Grasshoppers. It doesn’t mean you are a preferred employer.), and despondently returning to miniature tent cities or cardboard boxes in our washes after dark. I regularly donate to our local Gospel Rescue Mission, but perhaps I should increase my level of giving, in case they are inundated with who knows what manner of creatures—curved-billed thrashers, desert tortoises, coatimundis, sidewinders, mountain lions, Harris hawks, or even tarantulas. Do they have enough space and provisions to prevent guests from eating one another? What about foreign nationals like—jaguars, Canadian geese or Boa constrictors? It is a sad sad day when poor little birds (and others) must become vagrants with no place to lay an egg or snatch a bug.

Aside: In all seriousness, the Gospel Rescue Mission does house and feed many homeless or impoverished people, while also providing understanding, love, and an introduction to our Savior, the most precious Gift of all. If you are interested in donating (No, I have no affiliation; I’m just a fan of their work), check out the Gospel Rescue Mission website for one near you that needs your support.

—AdL

Written on April 6th, 2011 , Hmm..., Just for Fun
Huh?

Huh?

Quotation MarksAm I the only one that thinks this is a really bad T.V. lineup? Job security anyone?

—AdL

Written on April 1st, 2011 , Hmm..., Just for Fun
The Almighty IRS Pub 17

The Almighty Pub 17

Quotation MarksIn honor of the ever-popular tax day in the U.S. (April 15th), I am sharing some of the outrageous and stupid IRS rules I discovered along the way in the Almighty IRS Pub 17 (announcer-voice with reverb implied). I’m certain that this is not, by any means, a comprehensive list, but to be honest, I ran out of energy before I ran out of stupid rules! Now, for your viewing pleasure:

Illegal Strikes Fines Not Deductible

Fines for Illegal Strikes Nondeductible

This seems most apropos based on current events, so consider this is a “heads up” to the teachers in Wisconsin who just illegally struck last month. Remember, those tax-men never miss a penny.

IRS Eligible Student Clause

Eligible Educational Credentials

Darn. D’you mean the belly-dancing lessons and competitive kite-flying school are ineligible? What is this country coming to?

IRS Pub 17 Found Property

Claiming “Found” Property

I have to claim those two pennies I found in the parking lot?! I wouldn’t exactly consider that a treasure-trove. Or do they mean that Rolls Royce that someone “happened” to “abandon” on my property? Read the rest of this entry »

Written on March 23rd, 2011 , Hmm..., Just for Fun
Hmm 031511

Are You Going to Get it or am I?

Quotation MarksDid you ever wonder what the proofreaders at Merriam-Webster use as a spelling reference for the newest edition of their dictionary when it adds new terms?

Written on March 15th, 2011 , Hmm..., Just for Fun

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